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This has been a year of bailouts, but in my house, there have been bailouts for years. I’ve been the Bailout Queen since Day 1. You know — the kind of mother who drops what she’s doing to drive over to her kid’s school to drop off the lunch she notices is still sitting on the countertop, or the homework or field trip permission slip still on the kid’s desk (well, in the case of my family, on the floor).
I have come to my kids’ rescue throughout their young lives.
But at some point, it should stop — right?
That’s what I wondered this past week, a challenging one to put it gently.
It started joyously — with my older son boarding a plane to Scotland to begin a three-month adventure that included volunteering on organic farms across Europe along with some sightseeing, friend and family visits and at least one soccer game (and a pint at a pub). When it ended with him a permanent flag on his passport along with narrowly avoiding being extradited back to the States, I knew it was one of those mothering moments, when life reminds you that even as your kids become independent, there are times that you might have to bail them out.
And so I did; I spoke with the police in Edinburgh, Germany, Vienna (countries were he had planned to visit) as well as the embassies in each country. I called Luftansa (which used his return ticket home to extradite him), e-mailed the organization that conected him with the farms, WWOOF, and the student travel agency he used to book his flights and hostels. Then I called my parents who called some relatives, and off he went to stay with family in Vienna. Vacation disaster averted (and many pastries and wienerschnitzel consumed).
It was the first bailout in a while because as my kids have gotten older, I have begun letting them suffer the consequences of their choices. Not doing homework or studying? Welcome to summer school. Lose your bike? Start walking (and saving your money for a new one).
It has been tough, not just on them but on me. What mom likes to see her kids suffer, even if they've brought it upon themselves?
But what about the more serious stuff — DUIs, stealing, drugs, debt?
Do you bail them out?
Years ago, I had a friend whose two older brothers got addicted to heroin. Her parents, hard-working, lower middle-class parents with nine kids, allowed them to stay in their home. The boys tried rehab, but kept slipping back into drugs and stealing to support their habits. I have no idea what happened to them, having lost track of the family over the years, but even then, as a teen, I wondered if the parents were doing the right thing.
There was no tough love; were they too generous?
Another friend was asked to keep some stolen hubcaps in his room (although he himself wasn’t part of the theft). When they all got busted, he was taken to the police station along with the other boys and was asked; "Shall we call your moms, or do you want to stay in jail? They all pleaded, “Don’t call!” knowing full well that they would suffer much more by their mothers' hand than a night in the slammer.
When it comes to something like giving your kids money, experts are mixed. Times are tougher now for young adults, even before the economic meltdown; they often need help. Even I did when I was going through my divorce. Yet if young adults don’t get their finances in order, they may always look to their parents for bailouts instead of becoming economically self-sufficient. That can strain any parent-child relationship.
At what point does a parent stop bailing out her kids, or should parents always do that?
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